It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
