they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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