tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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