AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
