Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
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It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
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The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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