You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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