bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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