just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
