she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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