hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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