it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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