The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
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Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
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You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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