nut hugger
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
The maid of honor just puked.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
