When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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