Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
