i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
