I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I want a musical about memes.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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