I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
