How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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