The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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