I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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