I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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