the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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