If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
