I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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