Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize