my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
