There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
