Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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