Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she smelled like a LAN party
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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