i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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