Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
