He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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