I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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