guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We left the knife in your bed.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
