my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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