i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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