Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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