he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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