Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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