It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
