I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
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He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
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I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Sorry about my life...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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