I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
