You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
