Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
