there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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