i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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