apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
