my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Do vagina's smell?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
