It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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