ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You are the jesus of drinking
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
