I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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