The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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